How to Parent After an Abusive Childhood

Children are often the unwilling victims of domestic violence. Along with that, they carry within them an irrational but understandable fear of their future - of who they will become, and of the unknown. Their lives revolve around desperately trying to control what they can, in an attempt to make sense of anything around them. And quite honestly, they can so very easily set themselves up for perpetuating the cycle of pain. The afflicted becomes the aggressor, and so on and so forth.

Physical, mental, and even sexual abuse stems from and results in a wide range of mental health problems not discussed nearly enough as it should. Instead, it becomes like this skeleton in the closet, stuffed way in the back behind the winter coats and boots, just out of view, ready to be revealed at any time.

Mentorship is critical for children coming out of these circumstances, but also for parents. As we all know, sometimes what we say to our own child goes ignored until someone unrelated says the same thing. As much as we might want to be the “all” for our child, it’s just not feasible or even advisable. Not only does it eventually put a strain on your relationship, it also prevents you from preparing your child for living without you, and vice versa. Without that separation, you will both feel resentment and be unable to maintain other relationships as a result, including with a spouse or other loved one.

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Parenting when you’ve faced abuse is especially difficult because you are constantly warring with yourself in how you lay down the law and listen to your child’s opinions. Having a mentor helps keep you accountable for how you react. Am I being fair or too harsh? Will I scar him or her or will they know how much I love them? Where do I draw the line between firm and abusive? It’s a struggle between not losing your temper and not discipling when you are even angry at all. Recognizing when you are at your worst forces you to take a step back and discern if you can address your unhappiness with the behavior rather than to take it out on your child like what may have been done to you.

Punishment - physical or time out or restrictions or...time together?

There is a difference between abuse and discipline. Physically demeaning, guilting, scaring, or neglecting a child is abuse. It creates a cycle of struggle between you and that negative attention from you is the only attention they receive. Discipline, on the other hand, is constructive by nature. You are teaching your child to understand that "no" means "no." You then offer a consequence for disobedience (redirecting to another task, withholding a toy, or putting your child in time out). And, especially in those rambunctious toddler years, taking a time out yourself, or better yet, with your child, may do more to curb tantrums than any tendency to spank or worse.

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The Dangers of Permissiveness and Autocratic Parenting

Sometimes being abused makes you an apathetic or helicopter parent. Both unhealthy extremes teach your child to give up and not have the skills they need to push through because unlike you, they didn’t have to learn how to survive. Instead, and without intervention, they too will either become permissive or overbearing adults and parents.

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Avoid repeating the cycle of abuse by teaching your child how to fail (and that it’s ok!). It releases the pressure of perfection, while building their skill of adapting and regrouping so they don’t just give up or see perfection as acceptance. Let your child experience that there are consequences of their actions outside of getting in trouble with you or not doing their best in something they tried.

Finally, raise your child to respect authority. Be it a teacher, boss, pastor, or police. The lessons they learn, whether it’s an F for not turning in a homework assignment vs getting a C+ despite studying, or paying a speeding ticket vs getting a citation for taking up two parking spaces, are crucial to fully understanding how the world works so they don’t gain an unrealistic mindset and feel entitled or constantly combative as a result, hindering them from becoming productive members of society.

#childabuse #mentoring #parenting #wellness #mentalhealth